Wednesday, August 26, 2015
The list... Or shall we call it the moment I lost that last ounce of self esteem I had.
I have never had the financial woes that I do now.
I don't have job security.
It's an almost weekly occurrence to get binned off by friends for their boyfriends (or girlfriends).
Dating is an endless stream of fuckboys.
All this is normal. I can live with it. Sometimes it can be really hard to smile but I do. Because if I didn't laugh at the endless stream of calamities that is my life I would be a dribbling mess of woes.
The thing I can't do though is be confident. I have no confidence in any part of myself at the moment. And it's because of this list.
It's a boys list. Isn't it always about a boy?
His list of all those he had sexual encounters with. We all have lists of course. But this one was written down. Is writing it down a thing? Written down and saved on his phone.
I'm perfectly ok with being on this list. I had feelings for this boy. I wanted to maybe try and have more than just a place on a list with this boy. But as always it wasn't meant to be.
The thing that got me though. The thing that made my heart do that flip when something really upsets you. The thing that makes me stare at the ground in public more than ever. My name on this list is "wanna be suicide girl".
That is the thing another human chose to define me on. That small part of my life.
There is so much more to me, I know that. But now I feel it is of no relevance. I really feel that this one thing has made me feel empty.
Before this revelation I used to be able to talk to anyone. To smile at people if I caught their eye. To send the first message on whatever stupid dating app I am currently using.
Now I can't. It's always in the back of my head "why would they be interested in me, I am really not pretty or funny or interesting enough to talk to them"
I had changed my medication recently to help prevent the sudden onset of a physical manifestation of my mental health issues. I always look for the triggers and I know this is what caused it.
I feel I am darkling.